I think it has been a week or more since I last posted on this blog or my book blog and I’m so sorry for it, but it has been crazy these last two weeks. I came from being unemployed, living with my parents and not knowing where to go, not wanting to let my dreams go… To actually changing my dreams, finding work (far away from my home) and therefore also finding myself in a new studio and actually getting to know where I want to go in life.
Do I know it all now? No, and that’s impossible in such a short time, but I learned so much of myself and from myself by having to deal with all the craziness these last weeks. I’ve managed to deal with all the curveballs life threw at me, without ever panicking (as I like to do a lot). And that just fills me with such fulfillment and I’m so proud of myself. Let me explain.
I always wanted to work in film. It has been a dream of mine since I watched the bonus features on the DVD of Peter Pan (the 2003 feature film) and I’ve always led my life as good as possible to make this dream come true, while still trying to make my parents proud of me. So I first went to university, then I started another education, this time in audiovisual techniques (film!!!) but I didn’t finish it because the school just didn’t fit anymore at a certain point.
The fun part was that while I was studying, I did some internships on film sets (Cub, Achter de Wolken, Kattenoog and some other Belgian film sets), so I thought (like anybody would) that I was on the good way to make my dream come true and then I stopped studying and I had to go back to live with my parents.
I just didn’t have any money to pay a studio or an apartment, so I couldn’t do anything else than go back to my home and then I started to notice something. Each time I got a call to work and I told them that I lived in Ypres, I heard the same story: Oh, that’s far away. Will you be able to get here at 6 AM and then go home at 10 PM, and do the same thing the following days, for at least two months? (Here I have to note that it’s almost 1 hour and half from where I live to Antwerp or Brussels, where most of the sets are located). So yeah, nope. I won’t be able to do that. I just couldn’t handle it physically. And it hurt so much to know that my dream was slipping away from me.
At first I was just stuck. I couldn’t understand it. I wanted it so bad and I knew I could do it, but just because I lived so far away, I knew it wouldn’t work. It got me nervous, it got me questioning my abilities. I couldn’t get other jobs either, because I was still hoping to get that call that would pull me back to that world. And then I got a callback from my parents. They sat me down and actually bore down on me until we all were crying. They told me I couldn’t wait anymore and that it hurts to give up your dreams, but life doesn’t wait, why should you? And they were right, it wasn’t really the best timing, but there’s never a good time or way to bring such a thing.
I was mad at them. Seriously mad, I was thinking all kind of crazy thoughts. Until I just sat down with myself and wrote down what I wanted in life. Do I want to work in cinema and what did I like about it? Could I leave it? Do I want to stay here or do I want to grow? Could I stay with my parents or do I wanted to have my own place? Could I wait another few months and do some little jobs to earn a little bit meanwhile? Etcetera…
I just noticed that I wanted to grow. I didn’t want to be content of where I was in my life and who I was as a person. I wanted to grow and evolve and learn new things. I wanted to help people and to talk to people. I’m a great listener and I always was good at feeling when people wanted to talk.
Will it hurt my heart every time I see one of my friends on a new set, doing what I love? Yes, off course. It already does and I don’t think that will change in the future. But I accept that and I’ll use that to keep thinking of how I can go back if I want to at some point in my life. I’m not giving up, but I’m changing a few things to give me a head start in life and I’m moving soon, so at least I’ll be a bit nearer to all that craziness.
This blog post may not be as interesting for you as it is for me. This actually helped me vent and deal with some of my feelings and accept my decisions. It still is hard. Every time my parents ask me if I’m okay with the fact I leave my dream of working in cinema, I just want to cry and hit something and curl in a ball in a corner of my room. (Yes, it’s that bad). But on the other hand: I’m starting this new exciting job where I’ll be able to help people, with nice colleagues and new challenges I’ll have to face, so we’ll see where life takes me, but I’m beyond excited.
If there’s only one thing that you can take away from this, is that you don’t have to give up. If it doesn’t work, don’t give up but be realistic. Do some other job for a while, to earn some money and look for a different way to make your dreams come true. And before you know it, you might get an idea or actually change your dreams a bit or notice that you have another dream that you didn’t know of. Let life surprise you.
I’m not giving up on my dreams, I’m just changing them. Maybe I’ll go back in a few years. Maybe I’ll just start my movie blog up again. Or I’ll get another dream really soon. Right now I’m content of where I’m at and I’m excited to see where I’m going.
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